I’m a pretty open book when it comes to telling people about me. However, after having a conversation with a close friend it occurred to me that most of my friends and colleagues have no idea what I struggle with on a daily basis.
Depression.
I’ve dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with it my senior year of high school but had encounters with it way before then. Although, it should not have been surprising seeing as though a large chunk of my family deals with it and being bi-polar like it is a normal occurrence of everyday life.
I take a medicine daily, the highest dose one can take. If I take it religiously, I am fine and deal with ups and downs as any other person may. However, I’m not perfect. I miss it every now and then and sometimes even miss a couple days ie. this past weekend.
It is now Monday and I am in horribly funky mood, it’s unreal. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time and I do not like it at all. I don’t even know how to explain it. I love my life. I think it’s great. But today my brain is telling me differently. It is a horrible feeling. Not being able to be happy when you want to so badly. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be back to normal by Wednesday. Sadly, this isn’t the first time this has happened.
Depression was a huge struggle in my relationship with Tim. Although he never held it against me and was always supportive, he blamed our breakup/s on it. I can honestly say that depression was never a factor in breaking up with him. It was the lack of trust plain and simple, one day I hope he understands that.
As far as friendships go, I don’t think it has ever been a factor in the ending of any. If I’m having a bad day I try to be honest with myself and the people around me, so they understand it’s not them.
That leads me to relationships with my family, especially with my mother. When I was younger I would always blame myself on how my mother treated me. With the help of a psychologist, I slowly realized it wasn’t my fault and I now understand that she was dealing with her depression while trying to be my mom at the same time. Not a simple task. My father has always been supportive of everything in my life and I talk to him about everything. However, I don’t think we have ever discussed my situation without others being involved in the conversation. He himself admits it’s something he has never been able to understand. How is it someone I confide in all the time has no idea how to deal with something so huge in my life? It baffles me.
I wish more people could understand but I realize most people can’t unless they have dealt with it. Which, I hope no one ever has to. But if they do, then they can always come to me.
On a lighter note:
I move to the big city in a little less than three weeks. It is beyond crazy. Once I sell my car, I am completely ready. Texas, I’ll miss you.
My next blog will be more uplifting! Or at least I hope it is. :)
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